I'm talking to Amy about marriage. She's saying that I'm one of those guys who are scared of marriage.

Its true, I am scared of it. But not cause of what she thinks.

I don't see the point of getting married. I really don't. Why do you have to get married if you really love that person? What's a piece of paper and ring going to change? If your lover knows that you love her/him, and that you'll never leave them, cause you cannot live without them, then why does the whole world need to know about it? To me: Marriage = piece of paper and a ring.

Even when me and Steph first got together, no one really knew. We were just doing our thing, and we were happy. Thats all that mattered to us. Others knowing wouldn't have made us happier. No one actually knew about us, because we didn't care whether they did or not. I don't just go to my friends telling them how much I love Steph. The only person who has to know how much I love her, is her , and she already knows. I wouldn't even have to tell my friends anyways, cause they know. I wouldnt care even if they didnt know as long as Steph knows. I'm pretty sure she does, cause she can tell only by looking in my eyes. They never lie.

Got a little off topic...anyway, if I got married, all that would change is the way I'd call my girlfriend. She just wouldn't be a girlfriend anymore, she'd be my wife. What's the difference? I can stay with her without being married...since my love for her is all she'd want, and not a ring...or a promise, cause what if I break that promise one day? What would happen then? She'd remember me as the person who broke this huge promise to her, made in front of tons of people. I just don't understand how anyone can promise they'll feel the same way forever you know? Its not up to you, you have no control over your feelings, and you can't predict the future. Yeah, I'm in love with my girlfriend, and I'd love to be forever, and maybe I will... but I don't know that for sure.. so how can I promise her that I will?

Anyway, like I said, I'm in love with my girlfriend and if she ever asked me for something like that. . .I honestly wouldn't know what to do. Actually I would marry her if she'd want to so bad, just to prove her that I do love her, and that I'd make take that big step for her. I don't think I'll ever have to though, cause she feels the exact same way I do about all this. We love each other. We don't care if others know.

I guess, yes, I want to have a family one day (wow did I really say that?). I'm just...I’m scared that it won’t work out if I ever get married, and well I believe that you're supposed to get married only once. What if the marriage fails though...what would happen then? And if my first marriage fails, and I get married again, how do I know that the second one will last forever? How do I know that I will want to spend the rest of my life with only one person? How do I know I won't ever check out other girls/women once I'm married? How do I know I won't ever want to do something that's going to cause problems to my marriage? Its just things like that, that scare me. Not being able to spend the rest of my life with only one person. I guess I've just got this idea of a perfect marriage in my head, like dad's and mom's. They were together for ages...since 8th grade in fact. They never dated other people because they were so in love with each other, and so happy....and I guess I want to have that too one day, but I'm just so afraid that its so impossible to have that, I don't know. That is the thing that really scares me: My marriage failing.

I'm too young to think about this anyway. I'm only 18....I have time to think about this. Plenty of it in fact. And maybe one day...one day I'll know for sure how I feel about marriage, and maybe my "fears" will fade away too. But for now, I just want to have fun and not talk about the future.

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